Eldon

I was at Shannon’s yesterday, and she delivered some disgustingly terrifying news to me. I don’t say “disgustingly terrifying” very often. In fact, I’m confident in saying that the only time I’ve used that combination of words is when referring to someone in particular. Something, rather. Something evil. Something dark. Something that echos the cries of children around the world. The very something that eternally plays on the playscape of the Devil. The playscape of the Devil, you ask?

I’m referring to Hell, la durr.

But who am I talking about? I feel maybe a third of you know who I’m talking about, and I’m deeply sorry to those of you. I share your pains. I may have caused them, even. By opening your vulnerable souls up to the terrors of this little nasty, I took your dreams and replaced them with nightmares. Probably shaved tens of years off of your life, even. I’m very sorry for that.

I however couldn’t live with the guilt of not educating the world of this level of evil, and what form it’s decide to take this time. I’ve felt for very long now that this very evil I speak of has been growing more powerful as he’s gotten older. His power to deceive and come across as innocent. His power to appear to some as a “baby angel man” or a “little pumpkin gorbin”. He is neither.

I’ve consulted my loins. They told me this was coming. My loins are never wrong.

I’m talking about none other but Shannon’s dog. Boosin. And for those of you who don’t know who Boosin is, I invite you to scroll to the bottom of The Faces of Eldon for his profile, or read some of my earlier blog posts from last Fall like Does The Boosins Have Large Talons? or Fruit Cake where I mention him briefly.

Puffinlube, Gorbin, Stobin, Weezel, Buddy. Call him what you want. Shannon definitely does. But do not be deceived. He’s not your buddy. Those awful pet names make him out to be something innocent, which he is certainly not. His soul is dirty. And filthy. And covered with even more grime on top of all that dirt and filth.

I sometimes think his body is just full of vomit. Kind of like when Shannon told me that when she was younger she thought her stomach was just full of blood. A lot like that, actually. Maybe a combination of vomit and blood.

I’m getting sick thinking about this. Ewwoahh. Gurrddllll. (Stomach gurglings)

So, when Shannon told me this awful news, my heart just sank. Sank to the smelly pits of Hell. If you see it, I’d love to have it back, thanks.

Please hit play before reading the following.

She informed me that Boosin would be visiting her apartment for Thanksgiving. immediately the theme song from “Children of the Corn” started to play in my head.

“Oh GOD, WHY?!” was my response.

It was almost as if a dark, dense cloud began to loom over my head. The stench of sulfur and old bananas filled the air. The sound of small children shrieking rang out in the distance. The sky turned black, and the sun ceased in showing its light. A roll of thunder shook the heavens as thick bolts of silver lightening touched the surface of the earth. I began to shiver, and weep uncontrollably.

It became very cold, very quickly. Suddenly, a gust blew in the windows and sent stray papers swirling across the living room. Pots and pans danced in the cabinet. Doors swung open, just before slamming back into the wall. Water glasses shattered, sending sharp glass fragments through the air.

And then, it stopped. My soft cries continued on, and a small grin spread across Shannon’s face. Lexi ran into her room screaming uncontrollably. Boosin had made the evil of his black soul known. An evil I didn’t know existed.

Okay, so that’s not what happened, but the emotional trauma I faced after hearing this prevented me from remembering what really happened, but I’m sure this was pretty close. Shannon’s response to me asking why this was happening was probably something along the lines of “Because, he’s a beautiful little angel boy!” or “He’s a little pumpkin muffin cutie handsome muffin cutie angel boy man!” I was, at first, tempted to spew out an array of vulgar curse words before eventually storming out the door (something I don’t have the heart to do. I feel Taylor Made could teach me a thing or two here.)

You can bet I won’t be in that apartment for at least 24 hours after Thursday. This is to allow time for Boosin’s demon followers to clear out.

Also, the smell. Only time can get rid of the smell.

I just can’t for the life of me understand why she loves him so much. I feel bad, even. It’s a very sad story, I’m sure. Little girl seeking affection and love comes across homeless wiener dog. Love at first sight. But why is it always innocent children that the Devil and his minions go after?

All of the classic horror movies prove it. The Poltergeist. Child’s Play. Village of the Damned. The Omen. The Shining. The Exorcist. Children of the Corn. Must I go on?

Shannon’s definitely not innocent anymore, though. Last night she told me that my homosexuality is a disease that I’ve chosen. Also, she said God hates me.

She was kidding, though. I think. She fed me pizza and cookies so I instantly forgave her for the filth she just spit all over my face.

So aside for my current annoyance with the fact that Boosin will be running around Shannon’s apartment like a lunatic all day Thursday, I don’t have much more to say. The past few weeks have been very busy for me, and I feel that will be my excuse for not blogging for twelve days. Honest to blog!

Btw, I love spelling “twelve” out. It’s just a really cool word I think. It’s like a combination of “welcome” and “velvet”. Like a red carpet or something. A welcome velvet carpet.

Also, “elv”. Which is very close to “elf” but not quite. Anywayy.

I’m currently rambling, which I’m also sorry for. I’m also sorry for this blog lacking in good content or anything interesting/exciting. I just felt the need blow off steam. So to finish this blog I’m going to tell you what “Gerb, Verb, Serbian” means (Shannon’s attempt to come up with words on Words With Friends) and leave you with a few voice messages that Shannon and Lexi have recently sent me. Have a super Monday, ya hurrd?

– WUT.

– Pretty sure I got this one in the middle of the night. Also, when I played this Sophie jumped off my bed in a frenzy and fled from my room.

– Lexi telling me not to poop in her mouth.

Uhm, well. So..

Cheers,

Patch